Bring the Sexy Back
This is a great start for all of you ladies who know there isn't complete satisfaction on both sides of your relationship. You aren't sure where to start the conversation, but you know it's tense and tricky-- with many layers of thoughts, needs, desires-- and maybe even some pain to heal from. In this confidential small group setting, we will talk about sex. Through a uniquely developed questionnaire, we tailor this class to the particular needs of the group. Topics in the past have covered- defining and asking for what you want, developing your own sexy style, and how to start the conversation with your partner. At times, we even talk about technique, how to try new things, and specific strategies to move forward from past pains! You'll leave with your own personal action plan to make sure you start living an invigorating life.
Resources For Building a Healthy Marriage
My two favorite books that I think every couple could benefit from before they get married are….
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt
Love Busters by Willard Harley, Jr.
(Click on the titles to link right to the book on Amazon).
Both of these cover much that you need to know and practice BEFORE you get married. No, they aren’t about finances, sex, or how to split household duties. They are about kindness, empathy, and how to respond to your partner’s bids.
I also recommend several TedTalks and videos, along with some assessments I give when I work with premarital couples. I will be doing a crash course with all of this information in April— which can be accessed via video or in person. If you are interested in this, hit the ‘Let’s Talk’ tab and let me know to put you on the list for the class. Or you can read the books and do all the work without me! :)
Ingredients for an Emotionally Healthy Relationship
Emotionally mature people understand:
i. The Freedom to be human and imperfect
ii. No negative self-voice, no critical spirit of themselves or others
iii. Freedom to have genuine thoughts and feelings
iv. Freedom to set limits and choose how much to give
v. Freedom to limit empathy, to express & take action on behalf of self
Emotionally mature relationships look like:
i. Realistic and reliable- good designed relationships feel like a well-designed house, so easy to live in that you don’t notice the architecture or planning that went into it.
1. Emotionally mature relationships will work to change what they don’t like—and acknowledge reality.
a. See problems and try to fix them instead of overreacting with a fixation on how things should be.
b. If changes aren’t possible, they find a way to make the best of what they’ve got.
2. They can feel and think at the same time. Don’t lose their ability to see another perspective just because they aren’t getting what they want. Don’t lose track of emotional factors when addressing a problem.
3. Consistency makes them reliable
a. Integrated sense of self, and they won’t surprise you with unexpected inconsistencies. You can count on them to be the same across different situations. Strong self and inner consistency makes them reliable custodians of your trust.
4. They don’t take everything personally.
a. Not offended easily and can laugh at themselves and their foibles, aren’t perfectionistic and see themselves and others as doing the best they can
b. (Taking things too personally is sign of narcissism or low self-esteem, which is very problematic in relationship- needing constant validation from others)
c. (Other people who take things personally see slights and criticisms where they don’t exist. This consumes relationship energy like a black hole).
d. Emotionally mature people understand that most of us can put our foot in our mouth at times. If you say you misspoke, they won’t insist on a postmortem to uncover potential unconscious negativity toward them. They see it as a mistake, not a rejection. They are realistic enough to not feel unloved just because you made a mistake.
ii. Respectful and Reciprocal- treat others as worthy of respect and fairness, cooperative orientation. You’ll have the feeling they are looking out for you, rather than being solely focused on their own best interests.
1. Respect boundaries naturally. Looking for connection and closeness, not intrusion. Emotionally immature people take the other person for granted and seem to think closeness means manners don’t matter.
2. Respect individuality. Never assume if you love them, you’ll want the same things they do. They take your feelings and boundaries into account in any interaction. Automatically tune into how others are feeling.
a. Don’t tell others what they should feel or think. Understand that others have the final say on what their motivations are. No unsolicited analysis or unwanted advice.
i. Side note- if you had emotionally immature family, you may find yourself putting up with unsolicited advice, because you crave feedback that shows someone is thinking of you. This is not advice motivated by nourishing, it’s a desire to be in control.
3. They give back
a. They help and are generous. Don’t like to take advantage of other people or relationships.
b. Ask for attention and assistance when they need it.
c. Can give more than they get for a little while, but not indefinitely
d. Do you tend to give more than you get? Or expect others give and give to prove something to you?
4. Flexible and Compromise well
a. How do they respond when plans change or something unexpected comes us? Do they hold it against you?
b. If you unavoidably let them down, do you give them the benefit of the doubt?
c. If you unavoidably let someone else down, are you empathetic and suggest trade-offs or compromises to ease their disappointment?
d. They understand that changes and disappointments are a part of life. They accept their feelings and look for alternative ways to find gratification when they’re disappointed. Collaborative and open to ideas.
e. Compromises feel natural—like you are both satisfied. No agenda to win at all costs. Mutual balancing of desires…. You get enough of what you wanted. Solutions feel fair. No pressure to do what the other person wants.
f. They care about you and don’t want to leave you feeling unsatisfied. Because they have empathy, they don’t want you to be unhappy with outcome. Considerate!
5. Even-Tempered
a. Sooner a bad temper or withdrawal shows up, the worst it is. It shows they have a sense of entitlement and disrespect. Some withdraw love—and the other person then feels punished.
b. Emotionally mature people feel anger, but try to get through it quickly. Emotionally mature people will tell you what’s wrong and ask you to do things differently. Don’t sulk or pout for long periods of time or make you walk on eggshells. Willing to take initiative to bring conflict to a close, rather than giving you silent treatment.
6. Willing to be influenced
a. Not afraid of seeming weak if they don’t know something
b. Listen to and consider insights you share with them.
c. Willingness to consider another’s point of view.
7. They’re truthful
a. Understand this is key to respecting another person’s experience. Basis of trust and a sign of personal integrity.
8. They understand why you’re upset about a lie or a false impression.
a. Can count on an emotionally mature person to be genuine and forthcoming when honesty really counts—not even when faced with a desire to self-protect, like when someone is angry or critical.
9. They apologize and make amends
a. They want to be responsible for their behavior and are willing to apologize when needed. They mend injured trust / hurt feelings, which helps maintain good relationships.
b. People who are sincere, apologize and also make a clear statement about how they intend to do things differently.
c. When you tell people they’ve hurt or disappointed you, observe their response—do they defend themselves or try to change? Do they understand and care about what you feel?
iii. Responsive- sense of warmth and fun
1. Empathy makes you feel safe
a. Important to show fairness in dealing with others
b. They don’t overlook your feelings and aren’t insensitive to them
c. This, plus self-awareness is absolute key
d. If someone isn’t responsive to your feelings, they will not be emotionally safe when the two of you have any kind of disagreement
2. They make you feel seen and understood
a. They are interested in your inner experience
b. They are curious about you
c. They enjoy hearing your history and getting to know you—they reference information in future conversations, they see you positively and keep a mental library of your best qualities
d. They reference your strengths and sometimes seem to know you better than you know yourself. You’ll feel like you can be completely yourself.
e. You’ll notice more sharing because you don’t have to keep to yourself. They’ll engage in clear, intimate communication and let you into their inner world.
f. When you feel distressed, they don’t pull back. They aren’t afraid of your emotions and don’t tell you that you should be feeling some other way. They embrace your feelings and like learning about the things you want to tell them. Validating.
3. They like to comfort and be comforted- like to give and receive comfort under stressful conditions. Sympathetic and know how crucial support can be.
4. Reflect on their actions and try to change
a. Capable of taking a look and reflecting on their behavior. Clearly understand how people affect each other emotionally. Willing to absorb feedback of things that make you uncomfortable about their behavior. Enjoy the increased emotional intimacy—interest in other people’s perceptions, desire to learn about and improve themselves.
b. Willingness to take action as a result of self-reflection
c. If you’re clear about what bothers you, they’ll remain aware about the issue and demonstrate follow-through in their attempts to change
5. Can Laugh and be playful
a. Can relieve stress, be lighthearted, follow someone else’s lead.
b. Immature people use humor to boost their self-esteem, or making others look bad.
c. Sarcasm reflects cynicism sometimes and someone who is closed to emotional connection bc they focus on negative.
6. Enjoyable to be around
a. Positive vibe
b. Seem to generate their own good feelings and enjoy life—even just a trip to the grocery store